Give it time...

"Man, this is tough."
"Ouch, this does not feel natural!"
"How long do I have to let him go?"
"Is he getting enough?"

As you can see our relationship started out pretty rough. A lot of pain, confusion and worry. I would say that most great relationships don't start out that way. They start out all flowery with hearts flying all around. But that is exactly how this great relationship started out. In case you have not caught on yet, I am talking about our (Lincoln and I) breastfeeding relationship.

I remember those first days just like they were yesterday. My milk didn't come in for 4 days, my baby had bad jaundice and it hurt like heck! (Don't believe what the books tell you, that it shouldn't hurt if you do it right.) But I was determined to do what I believed was best for him and I. I don't know where I got my determination from, but I was determined to make this relationship work. So we worked and worked at it, not having a clue what we were doing. Then finally one day we finally clicked and the relationship turned from tough to smooth sailing and filled with love, at least for a while...

I set goals for myself. I said I would try to nurse until he was 6 months. Our relationship proved hard again when I went back to work and was pumping. I had great accommodations at work, but Lincoln was such a piggy that I was afraid that I would not have enough for him while I was away. I lived in that limbo until he turned six months. Finally he started solids and I felt the pressure release and it was smooth sailing again.

Once I made it to six months I set another goal, this time to make it to a year. And made it we did and beyond. I finally stopped pumping at 14 months, but we kept nursing at home. I was so proud to have made my goal, but neither of us were ready to dissolve this relationship. The months kept passing by and occasionally I would think about weaning him, but I always really wanted him to decide when that would be.

Well for the past month he has been nursing less and less, about 1 to 2 times a day (because he started his new school and I leave for work too early). Then about a week and a half ago, he would just nurse at night for like 1 minute and be done. I started to think maybe he was weaning himself finally. So about a week ago I put him down without nursing him. He did cry a bit but then went to sleep and didn't wake up until morning (just like normal). So the next night I did the same thing, down without nursing. Now here we are a week later and he has not nursed a all.

He did show some signs here and there that he would like to, but I just directed his attention somewhere else and he gave it up, no protest. I wanted to write about this because this is a huge milestone in our lives. This relationship is 17 months old and now it is time for it to evolve. But what will it evolve too? I am sad, I feel like a lot of change has happened to us all in the past month and I am not sure I was ready to give up my one on one time with Lincoln. It was something so special that only he and I shared, our time to reconnect after a long day or a restless night. When I was asked when I was going to stop nursing, this would always be my reason not to stop. I was afraid that I would not know how to have this type of connection with him if it was not through nursing. He is such a busy little guy and this was the only time he would sit down and relax with me. I think the hardest thing for me is that I did not cherish that last nursing session since I didn't know he was going to wean, so I feel like I missed out on a special memory.

I know there are many views on this subject, but nursing just worked for us. Now I have to find a new way to connect with my ever growing, always changing and over active toddler.