the graduate

When I first came back to work from Maternity Leave, I had 4 things with me. I had my purse, my lunch bag, my gym bag and my breast pump. Man, did I feel loaded down. I felt like I had moved out of my house and was moving into work. Emotionally, I also felt like I was moving on to something unknown to me, days without my baby. It didn’t matter that I had only birthed the little monkey 8 weeks prior; my life, up until the day I went back, had been me staying home all day with him. This is me and Linc 2 weeks into Maternity Leave Bliss, he was so tiny!

Now I was about to change all this by going back to work, and that was scary. I had some many things I had to remember to do just to get to work and then at work I had to remember to pump 3 times a day so that he would have enough milk while I was away. It was tough, but soon me and my pump became best friends. I took her with me everywhere it seemed. People would ask about her, and I was not ashamed to tell 7 ft tall Marshalls (I work for the Government) that she was indeed a breast pump. They would then proceed to be embarrassed, haha, that’s what you get for asking! I took care of her the best I could. This is a picture I would keep in my bag to remind me why I was doing this daunting task, haha!

Back to those first few days, they were rough. But I soon found comfort in a fellow working/breastfeeding mother. When I returned to work, her daughter had just turned 1 and she had pumped for her daughter until she began cow’s milk. She had this book she thought I should read call the milk memos. Basically it is book of compiled notes passed between working moms in a shared pumping room. It also has basic knowledge about the breastfeeding/pumping process. This conversation I had with Meredith today inspired my post.
Amy hey, so I just cried a little when I left the 13th floor. I think b/c tomorrow is my last pumping day
Amy were you sad? man I am
Meredith Yeah, it is sad!
Meredith You did 14 months...just like me.
Amy oh is that when you stopped
Amy that is really funny
Meredith It reminds me of Milk Memos and one woman talking about the last time she nursed. It makes me tear up just thinking about it.
Amy oh man, I just took that up there to read today
Amy I wanted to read about weaning
Amy and remembered it was in there
Meredith Yeah, good luck with the weaning. I've obviously decided to go with the child led weaning.
Meredith Hopefully she will wean prior to graduating from high school.
Amy yeah, well that is what I am trying to do to
Amy haha
Amy nice

At the time I went back to work, I was the only one pumping in the health unit. I felt really alone and strange doing something I was unfamiliar with. The milk memos got me through my first few weeks back at work. Reading about other working moms and their real stories helped me to feel not alone. There are so many great stories that I felt really pertained to how I was feeling at the time. Working/breastfeeding moms are a different breed in our society. Most breastfeeding moms stay home with their kids, so we are seen as a different animal. I am happy to say that more of these animals are being bread, now there are 6 other mothers in the health unit pumping away with me! I think a lot of other moms face challenges that luckily I did not have to face. One in particular is finding a place to pump and your boss allowing you the time to do so. Luckily my work has a health unit and my boss is very flexible. Although I do believe it is illegal now for a boss not to let his worker pump. Below is a picture of the book. I think all new working/breastfeeding mothers would benefit from reading this book. Click on the book and it will take you to the website where you can find out about this wonderful book.

I love this passage from the book:
As I reflect on the past year, one of the things I’m most proud of is that Miss Charlotte Ellen Smith has not consumed one single drop of formula. Breastmilk all the way, baby! Wonder if I can include that in my performance review?
I think the biggest reason I’m cuckoo for breastfeeding is that, in terms of intimacy and pure motherhood, it’s the next best thing to being pregnant. I’m not ready to wean, but when I do, I know I’ll miss it like crazy. Believe it or not, I’m even going to miss pumping.

So tomorrow is my last day to pump at work. And yes, I did cry a little when I left our health unit today, and I was not sure why. You would think I would be happy not having to lug around my pump anymore, but I am sad. It is more of what the pump represents than the pump itself. For a year now, it has provided the nourishment for my son while I was not with him. It has been a 2-3 times a day reminder that I am doing what is best for my baby. It has helped me feel better about going to work, knowing that my baby will still get the best milk. Overall, somehow it has helped me feel connected to him while I am at work. So while, I will feel lighter coming to work on Monday physically, emotionally I will not.

For me, breastfeeding was something I always wanted to try when I had a baby. And lucky for me, we both liked it and it worked for us, so we stuck with it. It was not always easy, especially getting up all night long until just a few weeks ago, but I always loved the closeness and special bond that it gave us. When he does wean I know I will be sad. I feel like it might be soon. This weekend he went to bed 2 nights without nursing because he didn’t want to. So for now, I will cherish each session like it is our last. And I will put up the old pump and know that Linc has now graduated from pumped milk, what a big boy!

We all wanted to say Happy belated 1st Birthday to Linc's girlfriend, Avery Mae! She turned 1 April 28th!